When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
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a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.