Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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True embarrassment lies within your first email address
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
TODAY
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Catering service
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed