genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
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One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale