My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
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Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
It be like that sometimes 😆
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
what kind of cook setting is this??
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds