Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.