The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.