“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath