My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
You Might Also Like
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight