I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
this is how life feels
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”