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“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.