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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I can fix him.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?