Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
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What a chick magnet..
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
No chill.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago