In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
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I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.