Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
why isn’t he texting back
Good morning y’all ☀️
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair