[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
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13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.