I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.