Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
You Might Also Like
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner