I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
This kid is a star!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
🙂🙃🥹
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.