Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
You Might Also Like
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
and now we wait
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
when revenge coincides with naptime
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.