(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
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I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I wish I were this cool 😂
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you