Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
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It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.