when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target