I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Good morning!
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.