Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.