When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
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A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?