Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
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When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Oh hi lol
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.