Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
You Might Also Like
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Do not go gentle into that good night,
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Okey dokey.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years