public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
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I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?