“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
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WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The Compass
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
life finds a way
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this