You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
A fake ID that makes you younger
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess