Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
time for some seasonal decor
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.