For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
This could be us, but you weedin’.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Stop sending me this shit.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family