One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
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If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
wow
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny