doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
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Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.