Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
vegan witches, happy halloween!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G