If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
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[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved