When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.