Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.