[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me checking my bank balance online.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.