Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
You Might Also Like
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)