Twitter is the new flypaper.
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.