Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
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i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist