Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Ok but actually
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years