If you need a laugh.. 😅
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I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.