My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!