I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
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Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone