Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.