Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
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My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters