I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.