One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.